


Take Me to Church

by aceschwarz222



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Gay, LGBTQ Character, Religion, church
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-24 20:18:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10749060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aceschwarz222/pseuds/aceschwarz222
Summary: Bucky learns that one of his teammates regularly goes to church. After numerous invitations to come along, he finally decides to give it a shot and see what God has to offer him.





	Take Me to Church

**Author's Note:**

> So this story is more for me, tbh, but I wanted to post it anyway. Being a Christian is a huge part of my life, and I think the theme of forgiveness is really relevant to Bucky. This work is NOT meant to offend anyone, so please keep that in mind if religion isn't your thing. As always, thanks for reading!

Bucky stared at the ceiling, his eyes going in and out of focus. Small beams of sunlight streamed in through the cracks in the blinds, brightening the dark corners of the room. He sighed and slowly sat up, his bed quietly groaning in the process. Since sleep was evading him, he decided to grab an early breakfast and headed towards the kitchen. 

The Tower was always peaceful on Sundays. Being an Avenger meant there weren’t many days off, and when Sundays were available, everyone took advantage of it. Sundays were for sleeping in, eating breakfast in bed, and catching up on all the TV they missed.

Bucky carefully tiptoed down the carpeted hallway towards the kitchen in his sweats and loose t-shirt. He was shocked to find Y/N already there drinking a mug of tea. Y/N was the public relations manager for the Avengers. Managing their public image was a full-time job and then some, so they moved into the Tower to make their job easier.

“Hey Bucky,” they said, smiling brightly. “Happy Sunday!”

“Hey,” he replied. He quickly scanned their appearance. They were wearing nice, dark jeans and a grey shirt. Their short hair was swirled around a bit, giving them a stylishly disheveled look.

“Do you want tea?” they asked. “I can pour you a mug before I leave.”

Bucky cocked his head to the side and scrunched his brow. “Where are you going this early?” he asked.

“Church,” they replied, simply.

“Church?” he repeated, disbelief lacing his voice.

“Yeah!” Y/N took a sip of their tea. “I go every Sunday when I’m not busy perfecting your image.” They giggled at his bemused expression. “What’s that look for?”

“I didn’t think you went to church,” he admitted.

“Why not?”

“Well, because you’re...I mean you like...because,” he stuttered, trying to find the right words without being offensive.

“Because I’m gay?” they finished.

Bucky’s face turned red from the edge of his chin to the tips of his ears. He cleared his throat and nodded, a hint of shame creeping into his eyes.

“You can be Christian and be gay, you goof,” they laughed.

“I know that!” Bucky defended. “I just thought some churches were old-fashioned about that stuff.”

“Some churches are,” Y/N conceded. “But I go to an awesome church that’s really accepting.”

“Besides,” they added, shrugging their shoulders, “I’m more concerned with learning to love and show grace to everyone, not nit-picking a few questionable verses in the Bible.”

Bucky nodded, not really sure how to proceed next. Y/N passed him a mug of hot water, and he got a tea packet from the cabinet.

“You want to come with?” they asked as he drank his tea.

Bucky paused mid-sip and considered their question. He went to church with his ma back in the 40s, but he hadn’t been since. He hadn’t really thought much about God or religion since he was held captive under HYDRA. If the God he learned about was so good, how could He let Bucky go through all of that?

“I’m good,” he finally responded. “Thanks though.”

“No worries!” they replied. They checked their watch and looked up at Bucky. “I’ve gotta head out. Have a good day if I don’t see you!”

They gave Bucky a small wave and then walked out of the kitchen. The conversation still lingered in Bucky’s head as he drank his tea and began to make breakfast.

* * *

 

It became a familiar routine between Bucky and Y/N. Every Sunday, Bucky would wake up early and head down to the kitchen, and every Sunday, he would run into Y/N. They would exchange small talk like they did any other time during the week, and their conversation would always end with them asking if Bucky wanted to come to church. So far, he had politely declined. Y/N never made him feel bad about it or tried hard to make him change his mind, which Bucky appreciated. 

Out of curiosity, he did download a Bible app and tried reading through the different books to see if any of it seemed familiar. He knew some of the stories, but some of the text was so dense that he couldn’t make any sense of it or see its relevance. It was clear Y/N really bought into the messages from the Bible, but after everything he had gone through and everything he had done, he didn’t see how it was possible for him. He wanted answers, but he wasn’t sure where to look.

Until today.

* * *

 

“Wow, you’re looking spiffy for a Sunday morning!” Y/N commented as Bucky walked into the kitchen. 

Bucky had traded his sweats and t-shirt for black jeans and a red henley. He looked down at his clothes and back at Y/N.

“I was thinking I could come to church with you today,” he replied, nervously. “I mean, I don’t know how I feel about any of that stuff, but it can’t hurt to see what it’s like, right?”

Y/N stared at Bucky and broke out in a huge grin. “You are so right, Bucky,” they said. “C’mon, let’s head out.”

Y/N and Bucky fell into a natural conversation as they walked the three blocks to Y/N’s church. Thankfully, the weather hadn’t gotten too cold with the changing season, so it was a nice walk.

“So the service is pretty simple,” Y/N explained, kicking at some loose rocks on the sidewalk. “There’s singing, a reading from the Bible, a sermon, and, of course, more singing.

Bucky’s eyes widened at how many times Y/N used the word “singing” in one sentence.

“Don’t worry!” Y/N replied, noticing his expression. “You don’t have to sing if you don’t want to. Just do whatever you feel comfortable with. Nobody’s going to judge you. I promise.”

“Okay,” Bucky replied. They walked for a few moments in silence.  “Can I ask you something?”

“Go for it.”

“What draws you to God?” he asked.

“Geez, Bucky,” Y/N laughed. “Way to give me an easy question for Sunday morning!” They hummed thoughtfully. “Well, nobody's perfect,” they started. “But it doesn’t matter to God. He gives you grace and mercy every single day, no matter what you’ve done. As long as you believe and have faith, you’re forgiven.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows. He had a hard time believing everyone could be forgiven that easily.

“Now, don’t get me wrong,” Y/N continued, “that doesn’t mean we get a free pass to do whatever we want. But, it’s nice to know that I have a clean slate when I wake up the next morning. A chance to try again.”

“How’s that even possible?” Bucky asked. “The clean slate, I mean.”

“So, God created Adam and Eve, right?”

Bucky nodded. He had definitely heard this story before.

“Well, Adam and Eve were created perfect, but Eve gets tempted by the devil to eat fruit from the forbidden tree. Then she convinces Adam to eat it. That was the first sin.”

Y/N looked up at Bucky to make sure he was still following along as they rounded a street corner. He nodded his understanding, and they continued.

“Well, when God finds out, he’s obviously mad. There’s this huge divide between God and people now. As more people come into the picture, they have to do crazy complicated rituals and sacrifices to atone for their sins. Eventually, God brings Jesus into the picture. Jesus preaches the message of the Gospel and heals as many people as he can during his time with us. But, he knows he has to die.”

“Wait,” Bucky interrupted. “You’re telling me Jesus knew he was going to be tortured and killed?”

“Basically,” Y/N replied. “But here’s the thing...he didn’t die for nothing. He died for us.”

Bucky was confused. “What do you mean?”

“I mean he died to save us!” Y/N’s eyes lit up and there was a bounce in their step as they continued to walk. Bucky could feel their passion and energy radiating off of them. “That divide between God and people doesn’t exist anymore. People don’t need to make sacrifices to atone for sins because Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice. He literally gave his life so we would be saved.”

Bucky nodded, but a part of him still doubted it all. How could someone willingly go through all that?

“And,” Y/N continued, “the big takeaway for me is grace, patience, and kindness. I try really hard to apply all that in my life.” They let out a small chuckle “It doesn’t always work,” they admitted. “There are some days I really hold onto anger when I should let it go, but I try.”

Bucky thought about Y/N’s actions with this new information. They had only been working together for about six months now, but Bucky could see a lot of the Christian ideals in them. They had extreme patience, especially considering they put up with the Avenger’s shenanigans on a regular basis. And the press. The press could be brutal, but Y/N always handled themselves really well during news conferences and media releases. They also went out of their way to be kind. One time, they made huge batches of everyone’s favorite cookies after a really long and arduous mission. Bucky might have only known Y/N was a Christian for a few weeks, but he realized he could see it in them all along.

Before Bucky could add any other comments or questions, Y/N announced that they had arrived at church. There were some really ornate churches in New York City, but Y/N’s seemed to be the opposite. The building was made of gray stone and brick, and there were no fancy towers or turrets extending from the top. The wrought iron banisters leading to the purple doors had no filigree or fancy decorations. It was simple, serene even. Bucky always appreciated looking at the architecture of fancy churches, but they always intimidated him. He was still a bit apprehensive to walk into Y/N’s church, but that was due more to unfamiliarity than anything else.

A couple and two kids stood in front of either door greeting everyone who walked inside. Bucky tentatively followed Y/N as she walked up the stairs.

“Hey Y/N!” the woman said. She gave Y/N a quick hug and handed them a small leaflet.

“How’s it going, Trish?” Y/N replied. “Hi Dave!” they said, waving to the man. Bucky looked down at the two little girls, and he could definitely tell they were related. They smiled up at him with the same toothy grins, their blonde curls blowing in the slight breeze.

“Hi! I’m Parker!” one of the girls said to Bucky. “Here you go!” She reached out a handed Bucky a leaflet. “It’s the bulletin for the service!”

Bucky took the bulletin and scanned it over. There was definitely going to be a lot of singing, based on the number of song titles listed, but he couldn’t find any lyrics or notes. He turned the pages, but he could only find information about a food pantry donation and meal packing event.

“Can I touch your metal hand?” the other girl asked, curiously. Bucky looked down and realized he had completely forgotten his gloves. He swallowed nervously, but the girls were completely unfazed. In fact, they almost looked fascinated with it instead of afraid.

“Um, yeah, if you want,” Bucky finally said.

He pulled back his sleeve a bit more to expose his wrist. Ever so gently, they both ghosted their fingers over the smooth metal.

“Wow,” Parker breathed. She applied a little more pressure and looked up. “Can you feel that?”

“Not really,” Bucky replied, shaking his head.

“How did you get it?” her sister asked.

“Riley, that’s rude!” Parker admonished.

“Well you asked him if you could touch it!” Riley replied, sticking her tongue out. “That’s ruder-er.”

Bucky grinned and knelt down so he was closer to their eye level. “It’s okay,” he said. “I don’t mind. I had a bad accident a really long time ago, and this was how the doctors fixed it.”

“So you’re half robot?” Riley asked.

Bucky couldn’t help but laugh. “Not quite, kid.”

“You ready to go in?” Y/N asked, walking over.

Bucky straightened up and nodded. “Thanks for the bulletin, Parker. Bye Riley.”

“BYE!” they both shouted in unison. They giggled and ran back over to their parents. Bucky gave them one final wave before crossing the doorway.

The inside of the church was just as simple as the outside. Brown pews lined both sides, and a large wooden cross hung on the front wall. Bucky recognized the pulpit and lector stand from when he was a kid. Off to the side, he saw two guitars, a drum set, a piano, and a violin. He looked up at the windows and noticed each one had a different stained glass scene depicted on it. The church was already crowded, and Y/N led Bucky to a half-empty pew in the back. He sat on the end and they sat on his other side.

“Good morning, Y/N!” An elderly man turned around in the pew in front of them. “Not in the front today? Poor Dottie is going to miss you!”

“Not today, Bob,” Y/N replied. “I wanted to visit you guys in the back!”

“Well isn’t that sweet,” Bob said, patting her hand. He turned to look at Bucky. “And who is this young fella with you?”

Y/N giggled. “This is Bucky,” they replied. 

“Nice to meet you sir,” Bucky added.

“It’s so nice to meet you too! Welcome to our church!” Without waiting for a response, Bob turned back around and began talking to the woman sitting next to him.

Y/N didn’t have to say anything, but Bucky knew they had chosen to sit here in case he needed to make a quiet escape.

“Good morning!” a woman shouted from the front. She held her hands out and the congregation rose to their feet. “It is so wonderful to have you here today! Welcome to all, especially our new visitors.”

“That’s Pastor Johansson,” Y/N whispered. Bucky looked up in disbelief. He expected the pastor of a church to look official and wear a robe or something, but this pastor looked completely different. She wore khaki pants and a blouse, and she seemed so...normal.

“The Lord be with you,” Pastor Johansson greeted.

“And also with you,” the group responded.

“Let us share that peace.”

A flurry of activity took over the congregation. People began shaking hands or hugging, and Bucky looked on nervously. A few people came up to Bucky, shook his hand, and welcomed him to the church. Apparently, it was obvious that he was new. Y/N worked the crowd and moved up to the front to say hello to their regular pew mates. Bucky smiled as he sat back down. Y/N seemed to fit so naturally with these people, and it was clear they were well-loved.

Pastor Johansson walked back up to the front where the band had begun to form. The lights dimmed and words appeared on the blank wall near the cross. Apparently, this was how people knew the lyrics to all the songs for the service.

Bucky had never heard of any of the songs, so he just stood there as the music played. The band was really good, and the beat was catchy, so he wasn’t completely uncomfortable. Y/N had their hands slightly extended out to their sides, and they sang with their eyes closed. Bucky looked around and noticed that some people had their hands completely in the air, while others stood as stoic and silent as he did. No one seemed to mind or notice how anyone else sang, which he was grateful for.

After the song ended, everyone sat down and a reader read two verses from the Bible. Bucky was trying to relax, but he still felt out of place. He barely heard anything the reader said as he bounced his leg nervously against the seat. Y/N gently placed their hand over his and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Bucky stopped bouncing his leg and tried to pay more attention to the message. By the time he regained his focus, Pastor Johansson was standing at the pulpit ready to give her sermon.

“Does it ever seem unreal to you, how easily we are forgiven?” she asked. Bucky looked around and saw people nodding their heads, and he was half-inclined to do the same. “I mean, think about it,” she continued. “We come to church with literally nothing to offer God but our guilt and our sin. And every single time, or every single day, rather, we are forgiven.” She paused and smiled. “I bargain with God sometimes,” she admitted. “I’ll pray and tell Him how my sin isn’t as bad as some other people’s. I’ve never killed or raped or robbed anybody.”

Bucky gulped when she said that. He had killed lots of people over the course of his time with HYDRA. Sure, it hadn’t been him, and he had accepted that at this point, but it didn’t always make his past any easier to deal with. He braced himself for whatever Pastor Johansson was going to say next.

“When I think about sin, I tend to look at it like a bar graph,” she said. “Murder is a huge bar and something like lying is a small bar.” She held her hands up to emphasize her point. “But, you know what? That’s not how God sees sin.” She stepped down from the pulpit and began preaching on the congregation’s level. “God is looking down on us from Heaven,” she said, pointing to the sky. “Do you know what my sin bar graph looks like from up there? It looks the same. The sins are level. It doesn’t matter if you kill someone or lie, a sin is a sin is a sin.”

She took a deep breath and spoke with more bravado and passion. “That is wonderful news! It means no matter what I’ve done, I can be saved. My sin is no more or less than anyone else’s. If I believe in God, confess my sins, and try again the next day, I am forgiven. It is truly that simple.” Her gaze landed briefly on Bucky as she continued to finish her sermon.

Bucky felt his breath catch in his throat. It was like Pastor Johansson was saying exactly the words he needed to hear. Steve and his teammates had forgiven him. Heck, even Tony came around after time and a few group therapy sessions. Still, it had never felt like enough because Bucky hadn’t forgiven himself. But if everything Pastor Johansson said was true, and God was capable of forgiving him, maybe he finally could too.

“Pray with me,” Pastor Johansson said, folding her hands and bowing her head.

Bucky clasped his hands together and touched his forehead to his knuckles. He scrunched his eyes closed and really focused on her words.

“Dear God, we thank you for this day. We thank you for your unlimited grace and mercy, which we do not deserve, yet you give it to us so freely. We pray that those struggling with guilt and grief know they are forgiven through You. We pray they can let go of whatever is holding them back. We also pray that we can forgive each other and spread Your love to those in need of it. In Your name we pray. Amen.”

The room was so quiet, Bucky was sure he would have been able to hear a pin drop. He kept his eyes closed and head bowed, soaking in everything he had just heard.

_ Hi God, _ he prayed.  _ I know it’s been a long time since we’ve talked. I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to say right now, but I wanted to give it a shot. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand why all of that horrible stuff happened to me. I don’t know why I can’t seem to forgive myself when everyone around me has. God, if you truly forgive me, please let me know. I know you can do stuff like that when you want to. I know I’ve moved on by helping people and working with the Avengers. But  _ **_I_ ** _ want to move on. I need to move on. _

He paused and looked up as he heard a guitar riff. Everyone began to slowly stand up as the band played its last song. He quickly closed his eyes to finish out his prayer.  _ Thanks for giving me the courage to come with Y/N today too. I hope this helps bring us closer because they’re pretty cool and deserve to be happy. I’m glad they’ve found a place so accepting of them. So, thanks for that. I’ll talk to you again, I promise. It won’t be so long the next time either. But, they’re about to sing, so I should probably stand up too. Thank you. Amen. _

Bucky stood up and looked at the words projected on the wall. The beat for this song was much slower than the other ones, but he really liked the way it sounded. As his eyes scanned the lyrics, his heart nearly leapt into his throat.

 

**You're shattered**

**Like you've never been before**

**The life you knew**

**In a thousand pieces on the floor**

**And words fall short in times like these**

**When this world drives you to your knees**

**You think you're never gonna get back**

**To the you that used to be**

 

**Tell your heart to beat again**

**Close your eyes and breathe it in**

**Let the shadows fall away**

**Step into the light of grace**

**Yesterday's a closing door**

**You don't live there anymore**

**Say goodbye to where you've been**

**And tell your heart to beat again**

 

Tears rolled down his cheeks as every line was sung. It was as if the song was speaking directly to him. It was almost as if...well, as if his prayer was being answered. He tried wiping away the tears, but more kept coming. No one seemed to mind though. In fact, he saw a few other people crying as well, Y/N included. 

Bucky took a shaky breath and looked up at the cross. “Thank you,” he whispered. It was as if a weight was being lifted off his chest, and he felt like he could really breathe again. He felt forgiven. Bucky nodded briefly then looked back to the words on the wall.

And he began to sing. 

**Author's Note:**

> The song is "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" by Danny Gokey.


End file.
